Leaving Eden

She demanded French toast.  It was how we started the day. Composed and regulated I shuffled back downstairs throwing back eggs as an option.  “We don’t have time this morning.” Mutters and disgruntled banter echoed from upstairs.  She does this.  This fighting with herself. Trying desperately in all her four footed’ness, to make it about me.

It was going to be a difficult morning.

The dried out mascara brush coasted across eyelash and it continued.  From breakfast option, to wardrobe. Loss of television shows, hurling complaints my way. Deflecting. Redirecting. Anger rising.

Time out….

She threw a few more jabs my way, and retreated finally back to her corner.   Defeated by her opponent’s precise blocking. Covered jaw, bobs and weaves. Boxer’s stance strong, engaging core and maintaining my balance.   I would not be dragged in. Because she needs to stand on own two feet and own moods and bad mornings and the not getting of the way.

A little later, with earrings clipped on, and face painted, it was then I found her.  Piles of crocheted blankets strewn across coffee table and couch.  Bare leg and painted toe nails jetted out from under.   Bits of Lego friends accompanied her. “Mom don’t move my fort while I’m at school”….she hid there, sheltered and safe.  Contained in her own little world, regrouping and reshuffling the play list of attitudes and behaviors in preparation for the day.

And I thought for a moment, if it weren’t for adulthood and responsibility, job to get to and school drop off to make, I would have crawled right under there with her.  Under the covering, in that safe walled domain.   Where French toast meets seamless socks and favorite pasta sauce stained shirt.  Where needs are met and bills are paid and true love prevails. Where friendships are easy and houses are clean, and sleeps are sound, and parents are healthy.  Under markered-coffee table wonder. In our very own Eden. 

By the time she came out, she had left it there mostly. Brushed bangs aside, and settled on outfit and reverie. We embraced and reconnected. Amongst winter jacketing and mitten bearing. Door closed behind us, Eden awaiting our return from the battle and the barriers,  the triumphs and the victories. 

   He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

  ~Psalm 91: 4