Seeing Through

I have this thorn in my side.  This thing that has, for the past few months, been stealing my joy and lingering like an unwanted visitor.  If I could, I would blow it away with an AK-47 addressing the smithereens “return to sender”.

I’ve wrestled with it; 

Grappled with it; 

Prayed about it;

Talked about it; 

Cried about it;

Approached it from mathematical angles;

Stared it down at ungodly hours of the night;   but it just won’t leave my side. 

It’s not cancer, or earth shattering in the grand scheme of things, but it’s rattled my world enough for my feet to be thrown off course.  Enough for there to be a need to take multiple water breaks on my race.  Enough to slow me down.  Enough to need some extra cheer leaders.  Enough to require more grace. Enough to want to take my sneakers off and sit on the couch and instead eat bon-bons.  I don’t understand why it won’t go away.  This problem of mine.

I haven't yet learned the lesson in the pain.  I’m ready for the answer to the equation so the thorn will loosen its grip on me.  I am unclear what God is doing, and unsure what to take away from this whole experience.  He is still seeing me through.

I’ve argued with him on the path, I’ll admit.  I’ve been angry.  It seems unfair.  I feel left out.  I wonder where he is in it and if he needs reminders to get back from a vacation he’s been gone too long on.  But, I’m trusting.

I am trusting that God will see me through a painful process and hold my hand until I come out the other end because he promises us he does.  I remind myself that “this too shall pass” because it always does, and there are times and seasons, and he’s called me to be in this one.  I’m humbling myself to a bigger picture that I have yet to see in full completion, and I trust that my small strokes are needed because he tells me they are.

With mustard seed faith, I hold to Him who sees us through.

~We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us-they help us to learn to endure.  And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.  And this expectation will not disappoint us. ~Romans 5: 3-4