Faith vs. Jesus

Church depressed me on Sunday (sorry Pastor Mark-you usually rock my world). I have been mulling it over these past few days.  Setting it aside on countertops.  Taking it out to dance again.  We are stepping on each other’s toes though.  Banging foreheads.  The c.d. is skipping.  So, we’ve been taking some time apart.  This mulling over and I.

I am blessed beyond measure to be part of a thriving, dynamic, progressive, authentic, loving church family.  We have been dating 4 years now.  Well, it’s a bit more like marriage.  The icing on the whole affair is we are led by an extraordinary Pastor.  Someone who can deliver a sermon like nobody’s business.  With modern day relevance, and intricate theological examination. From head right to the heart.  Piercing you with extreme accuracy and timing. I leave feeling hopeful, touched intimately, and stretched in this faith walk of mine. 

But, this Sunday, I left with a headache.

I will spare you the gory details.  Especially for you who want to be spared a sermon or two.  But, the topic was about faith in action.  The importance of using one’s faith to direct daily, moment to moment actions, in order to touch the world around us in a practical way.  Essentially the message was: faith without action is useless. Dead.  Gonzo.  Blotto. Pointless.  And, while I get action is critical and we can’t just be sitting back passively singing Koombya, I felt frustrated. I felt like I had to walk away from Jesus in order to get all this “stuff” done.

And I didn’t want to leave him. 

In fact, the thought was terrifying.  Like snatching a favorite blankie from a baby.  Suddenly I felt a huge weight of responsibility on my shoulders.  I envisioned my time card being punched on the clock of make a difference. I began to feel pressure.  Exhausted.  Stressed.  Not another thing I had to do.  Someone else I had to answer to.  Another expectation to fulfill.  Another role to conquer.  And I’d rather just hang with Jesus.

Weird I know, this invisible figure and I.  But, when you’ve experienced his spirit in a real and relevant way, you kind of always want it around.  To be connected to.  Engaged with.  Touched by.

And I get that we need to be contributors.  Ambassadors.  Making a difference.  Loving people.  Touching lives.  But, the child in me just wants to sit with Jesus.  At his feet.  In his glory. And rest.  Just rest. 

In this wild walk with God, I am beginning to enjoy Jesus more than the concept of faith in him.  Metaphorically speaking, you enjoy the person who is your spouse, more than the concept of “marriage”, correct?  You want to hang out with them.  Eat with them.  Laugh with them.  Talk with them. More so than your “role” in the marriage.  More than the concept of marriage itself.

The roles are important, no doubt about it, crucial in fact.  They go hand in hand and are needed: Faith + Jesus.  The concept + the person.

So, forgive my ramblings this chilly fall evening. But, I’ve been thinking about him. The lover of my soul and tonight, I think I'll just hang with Jesus.