Enough

Elementary school field days, as a child, were my least favorite of the year.  Something about the colored ribbons and the set-up of orange pylons made my hair stand on end.  The competition was palpable in the air. Looming above and around us like a bad stench that could not be denied.

Jennifer Nikkels was the fastest runner in our grade despite her short stature.  She was one of those early developed children.  An Olympic shape already growing and molding over her 8 year old skeleton.  She could jump higher, run faster, and throw farther than all of her classmates.  The envy permeated my early childhood self, eating away at my good qualities.  I wanted to be better.  I wanted to be first.

The beauty of growing up in a small town is it permits you to be first in something.  Sometimes, many things.  By sheer numbers, the giftings are spread seemingly fairer. Children were seen and recognized.  By teachers.  By our peers.  By our selves.  It was water for my thirsty adolescent soul.  People telling me I was first again.  Suddenly, feeling enough.

When school ended, my high school diploma, along with my ‘enough’ status were packed away in a shoebox at the bottom of my closet. With the competition over, I once again stood alone, looking for orange pylons and a graph with my first and last name waiting to be graded and ranked.  But the teachers had gone home. The small town, now smaller. Drives to the city to attend college classes, more endless.  Exhaustion setting in.  About this game.  This game of being enough.

And then it happened.  I entered the auditorium 5 years later with the ghost of my medals and my papers of success.  I sat down on a chair, U2 blasting, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” resonating deep in my soul.  I glanced down to find a letter.  A love letter, written for me.  It read:

Dear Child,

~You may not know me, but I know everything about you.  I know when you sit down and when you stand up. ~

The letter went on to describe who I was in God.  How he saw me.  His thoughts about me.  It revealed his character.  And sure, it was written and compiled by a member in the church.  But they were words that were taken from His word put together in a beautiful poem, that timely ended up in my striving hands and changed my life forever.

That single day, God entered in, telling me that I alone, in him, was enough.  The weights were put down, the pressure slid off and freedom was found, not in ranking systems, or grades, or athletic success, or degrees of niceness, or beauty, or the game of life, but alone in him.  In our dance together.

I woke up this morning with old thoughts that there was more I needed to achieve.  That in my slippers, and with my coffee, my 33 year old self needed more.  To do more, to be better, to attain something.  My dreams and desires mean much to God.  Everything in fact because my heart is hidden in His.  He knows my adult self.  He has seen me grow and change.  He sees my struggles.  My wrestling.  My heartache.  My longings.  In it all, he whispers, daughter, you right now, in your apparent deficiencies, are enough.  And not, the house that you're wanting, the financial place that you're working towards, the mate that you are seeking, the degree you’re earning, will make better or worse, who you are and how I see you.

Today, my friend, my beautiful beloved friend: As we set up our pylons and get ready for another race;  as we look all around us to see where we think we may rank,  know that just as you are,  right now,  are more than enough.  Because you belong to him who is too.

{this post is in response to Holley Gerth’s theme for the week:  In God’s heart I am…enough.  Check out her blog at www.holleygerth.com}

Chris Tomlin Lyrics-All of You is More than Enough

All of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know

And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King
You're my everything
Still more awesome than I know

And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

More than all I am
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough