Grief Walker

I didn’t wear waterproof mascara. Truth be told, I hate the stuff, like putty on my lashes sticking around in residue for what seems like weeks. 

But, that night I was conscious it was missing. It was one of those moments when life is coasting along in its dog like routine, when suddenly, WHAM, something entered in. And threw off the whole ground hog day of things. My Tuesday night routine had an unwelcomed visitor.

I’m in the final leg of a course I’m doing as part of a graduate degree. I’m treading water slowly, because, well because it’s the only pocket of time I can carve out for the thing. We’ve been at it for months now and I eagerly anticipated this module. This grief and loss module. That was until before video.

Stephen Jenkinson is a practicing counselor who of all things was ordained at Harvard divinity school. He completed his studies in social work and later life navigated him towards becoming somewhat of a death guru. The official title used in the film is grief walker.  And just as it sounds, Stephen walks with families and their loved ones who are given the life changing news of a terminal illness. And the documentary showed it.  These families and their dying loved ones. And the excruciating process of facing the inevitable.  Of facing what it means to say goodbye.  It was raw. And unedited.  Visceral. And traumatic. And lets just say I needed more than the grief walker to make things better.

It sat heavy on my heart as the documentary rolled.  As I tried to swallow the water that welled up in my eyes and the uneven sobs awaiting to escape my lips; grief made its home like bricks upon my shoulders. And it followed me to the washroom to be excused. In it the mascara fell in puddles at my feet. Gaining composure in bathroom moments.  When you are trying desperately to. Get. A. Grip.

It lingered weeks following. Like an emotional hangover.   And to be honest, I was not sure God could handle it. These feelings about life and death.  The questions we have. The pain of it all. The meaning behind the loss. Our perception of God in light of the inevitable. The ticking of the clock. The freckling of my skin.  So in my self protective encasement, I set him on a shelf; for several days we didn’t talk.

I know it may be uncouth to say, but my initial attraction to God had little to do with salvation.  This ticket to eternity. Insurance from infinity “and beyond”. What attracted me to Jesus was the beginning. And then the middle. That he loved and thought of “me” enough to breathe me into the twentieth century.  And then the promise of how he will be along for the ride; how he’s got a lot to say about the journey, so much so as to promise to send His very spirit, His very essence for counsel.

But after video I’ve been reminded too of how he’s our earthly grief walker.  Alongside in our pain. Alongside in our joy. Ironing out the questions.  Comforting the agony. Bringing us close to lay at his chest to listen to the very heartbeat that we will one day go home to.  Who nurtures our loved ones who are already there. And no, it’s not neat and tidy, and the questions aren’t all answered, because they can’t be.  But the beat of the heart that I know and love has without waver welcomed me in every place my feet have ventured.  How could he too not meet me there?

And the end? This past month I've been reminded in glimpses of what I will one day be going home to. But more importantly, of who I will be meeting there. And while I'm in this earthly home, for now, and in this place, I hope I can make it my mission to know more intimately and more deeply the maker of my heart and the lover of my soul so that when I one day meet Him, I will know his face. And as he embraces me; the one who has been my shepherd, my Father, my counsellor, my friend, and my grief walker, I will rest in his shoulders and hear Him whisper: Welcome Home.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Revelations 21:4