Gimme an A!

Back in university days you’d find me tucked away at the back of the library buried in several text books.  It would be dark outside.   Myself, the janitor, and a few other keen students would occupy the echoing space in a vast room.  I loved everything about learning.  The smell of the textbooks.  Brand new packaged highlighters.  Lined paper.  Study notes. Quizzes.  Researching for essays.  Wisdom from Professors.  Overhead projectors.  Words.  It is where I feel most at home.  Call me a geek.  I prefer scholar…

However, like the icing on the cake, what I loved most about learning was the satisfaction of a good grade.The rush of scanning through the names and subsequent marks posted outside the exam room door.  The reward for hard work and hours spent in study and practice.  For one brief moment, I was able to feel completely and utterly worthy. Successful. Like reaching a place in ladder climbing to be told I had reached the top.  I had arrived.  I was good. The feeling lasted all of five minutes until the next exam.

And then it was over.  For nearly twenty years, I had been practicing and performing, only to have someone reward me with a grade of worthiness.  Passes or fails.  A's or F's and all that lay in between.

A rude awakening occurred when I discovered that the game of life in adulthood does not involve grades.  We use our own measuring sticks to grade our successes.  Our satisfactory moments. Our excelling in areas.  Our needs more improvement.  Our fails.  But every now and then, if I am to be honest, I want to shout out, "give me an A!".  I want to know I've made it. I want to know how I am doing in the game of life.

Someone once asked  me in my early days of becoming a Christian, if you could bring one question to  God, what would it be.  My question at that time was simply, "God, am I doing okay?" Do you give me an A?  Have I passed the test?  Am I learning what I should? Am I studying the correct chapters?  What do I need to improve on?

The beauty and peace and rest to be found in Jesus exists in the ripping up of test papers.  He is not moved by outward success.  Or outward beauty.  Or bank accounts.  Or diplomas.  Or time shares in Mexico. 

He asks us simply one question.  Do you love me?

And sure he cares about your happiness. He wants you to live your best life, and work towards your dreams and goals.  But, in the midst of this he wants your heart.   He wants to dance with you.  He wants intimacy with you.  It is during the dance that he whispers to you that he loves you dearly.  That you are worthy.  That you are good.  Regardless of your perceived failures and falls.  Regardless of your passes or fails. 

"Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness." ~2 Corinthians 12:9